Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Holi

Holi Ke Bahane Ladki Patane Ke 5 Rangeen Tarike - 

Holi hai rango ka tyohar, holi ke is khas mauke ko yun hi na gavaiye. Kisi se apni mohobbat ka izhaar karne ka isse achha mauka bhala aur kya ho sakta hai…To apnaiye ye 5 rangeele upaay, aur rangon ke is tyohar ko hamesha ke liye yaadgar bana lijiye…

1. Use sirf hara rang hi lagao, hara rang sachhe pyar ki nishani hai.

2. Use jab rang lagao to uske saare chehre ko aise ghiso jaise usne kai saalon se nahi nahaya ho, use mehsoos hona chahiye ki tum kya batana chaah rahe ho.

3. Pehle use Chips, Gujhia, Bhang ke Pakore Dahi Bhalle ityaadi khilao, baad mein aisa rango jaisa aaj tak kisi ne na ranga ho. Khali pet rangoge to ishq ka asar kam hoga.

4. Use apni god mein uthakar paani ke toube mein phenk do. Aur jab phenko to use bhi lagna chahiye ki tumhare baajuon mein kitna dum hai.

5. Gaay ke gobar se holi khelo, hum vachan dete hain, uske baad wo tumhare saath jo karegi, tum use zindagi bhar nahi bhool sakoge. :P :D

Alok Naath's Counter Strike commands ?

Alok Naath's Counter Strike commands ?
.
.
.
Enemy Spotted- Samdhi Ji Dikhe
Need Backup- Need Aashirwaad
Cover me-Ghunghat Daalo Beti !
Thanks - Shukriya samdhi ji !
Affirmative - Ji zaroor !
Negative - Ji nahi !
Last but not the least
Get out of there it's gonna blow - Bahar aa
jaiye, aarti shuru hone wali hai ! :P

Alok Nath Jokes - Hindi

Q: Why was Kailash Kher standing in the roadways
bus?
A: Kyonki aadhi sawaari ko seat nahin milti
Kailash Kher makes a phone call to talk to BigB,
standing next to him.
Kailash Kher sleeps on the Space Bar of his laptop's
keyboard.
Kailash Kher: Where's my phone?
Mom: Fridge pe rakhha hai.
Kailash Kher: Oh. Chalo ab toh naya khareedna
padega.
Kailash Kher jogs on his mobile keypad to dial a
number. xP
Breaking news : iPhone 6 will be taller than Kailash
Kher
Kailash Kher ke paida hone pe doctor ne sabse pehle
bola "Lagta hai bhagwaan ne missed call di thi". xD
Once Kailash Kher attempted suicide by jumping from
the chair
Kailash Kher walks into a bar and meets Aamir Khan.
Kailash: where is everybody?
Aamir: all are high bro!
Kailash Kher's full picture is eligible for passport size
picture in forms. :P

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Women University ......... about Woment

About Women Category

About Women


  • Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
  • Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
  • Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
  • Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 
  • Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
  • Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
  • Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
  • Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
  • Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
  • Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
  • Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
  • Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
  • Women think all beer is the same.
  • Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
  • Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 
  • If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
  • Women brush their hair before bed.
  • Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
  • Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
  • Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
  • Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
  • Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 
  • The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  • Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
  • Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 
  • Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
  • Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
  • Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
  • PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
  • The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
  • Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 
  • Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
  • 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
  • Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
  • Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
  • All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
  • If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
  • Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
  • Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
  • If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
  • Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
  • Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
  • Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
  • Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
  • It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
  • Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
  • The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

Lessons in Logics

Lessons In Logic Category

Lessons In Logic


If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk.

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours.

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.

You know you're out of college when...



1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

Naughty Jokes

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"

DIRTY JOKES 2

Horny A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!  
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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Two drunks are standing at a whorehouse door. The first drunk says, "I heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we've got." The second drunk says, "Not so loud, or they won't let us in."

The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

I've never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few.

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."

Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."


Chemistry Jokes

Chemistry Jokes

A student goes into his lab right at the end of the class hour. Fearing he’ll get an “F”, he asks a fellow student what she’s been doing.
“We’ve been observing water under the microscope. We’re suppose to write up what we see.” The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them.
The panic-stricken student hears the bell goes off, opens his notebook and writes, “During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H’s as O’s.”

A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Man: I wish I was the Enzyme DNA Helicase.
Woman: Why?
Man: So I could unzip your genes.

Teacher: Johnny, what’s H2SO4?
Johnny: Oh…er…hang on, I know this…it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Teacher: Well spit it out then!

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, “For you, No Charge!”

Two atoms are walking down the street. Says one atom to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!”

A group of students were discussing which of their specialities was of the most practical use. A fellow student appeared at the table with a large pink gin.
The chemist proceeded to explain why it was pink in color.
The physicist measured the specific gravity.
The mathematician calculated the cost per unit volume.
The doctor outlined what it would do to the liver.
The engineer picked it up and drank it.

A chemistry professor couldn’t resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, “Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!”

The anti aircraft guns fired at the bomber pilot as he emptied his load of Hydrochloric Acid over enemy territory. He smiled with satisfaction at the voice over his radio. “Congratulations, you’ve just neutralized a dangerous base!”

At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students, what was the most important that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, “Never Like the Spoon.”

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a bunsen burner. “Bunsen! My flame! I melt whenever I see you!” said the ice. The bunsen burner replied: “It’s just a phase you’re going through.”

A freshman chemistry student prepared a standard solution and showed it to her professor. The professor gave her a puzzled look, and said, “This solution looks a bit weird. Are you sure you used the right set of reagents?” The student replied, “Absolutely. According to my calculations, this is one normal solution.”

What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes in helium?
HeHe.
What weapon can you make with potassium, nickel, and iron?
A KNiFe.
Where and how frequently do chemists have sex?
On the table, periodically.
What do you call the males of a tribe called Ganese?
Manganese.
Why did the chemist help the kid who was being bullied?
He didn’t want to watch the kid sulfur.
What do you do to chemists when they die?
You barium.
If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
H-two-O-CUBED.
Why is potassium a racist element?
Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
CoRnY.
Do you know a good chemistry joke?
No sorry, all of them argon.
I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.

Dirty Jokes

Funny Dirty Jokes

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A little boy goes to school but bringing in a cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”
The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.”

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that ;)
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches your pu**y say “Stop”.
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”
The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights ;)

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Q: Who makes more money… a hooker? or a drug dealer?
A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again.

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.
The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”

Mamma Jokes ........ so cool.!

Funny Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles.
o O o
Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was a Prince.
o O o
Yo momma is so fat, when she gets on a scale it says… to be continued.
o O o
Yo mama is so ugly, she went in a haunted house and came out with a job application.
o O o
Yo mama is so old, her birth certificate reads: “Expired”.
o O o
Yo momma is so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
o O o
Yo mama is so skinny, she hula hoops with a Cheerio.
o O o
Yo mama is so poor, she went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on layaway.
o O o
Yo mama is so old, she ran track with dinosaurs.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, when she wears her grey swimsuit at the beach the whales call her name.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, her bellybutton has an echo.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, when she walks in front of the TV, you miss 20 minutes of your show.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, she beeps when she backs up.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up.
o O o
Yo mama is so poor, when a cigarette is stepped on, she said,”Hey, who turned off the heater?”
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, the army stole her pants for a parachute.
o O o
Yo mama is so stupid, she went to the orthodontist to get a bluetooth.
o O o
Yo momma is so fat, when she went to space, NASA said they found a new planet.
o O o
Yo mama’s house is so small, she ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her.
o O o
Yo mama is so fat, when a bus hit her, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
o O o
Yo mama is so ugly, when she walked into a bank, they turned off the cameras.

 o O o


    Yo mama teeth are so black, the car’s check oil light comes on.

    Yo mama is not so smart, she studied for a drug test.

    Yo momma is so dumb, she puts lipstick on her head so she could make-up her mind.

    Yo mama is so fat, she dosen’t need internet, she’s already world wide.
  o O o
    Yo mama is so fat, when she sat on the toilet it broke right into pieces.  
 o O o

    Your mama so stupid, she sat on the tv to watch the couch.

 o O o

    Yo mammas so black she went to night school and they marked her absent.
 o O o

    Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said “moving.”

 o O o

    Yo mamma so skinny they use her as a toothpick at wimpy.

 o O o

    Your mama is so fat that your father needs a GPS to find her ass.

One Line Jokes

42 Funny One Liner Jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
o O o

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
o O o

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
o O o

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
o O o

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
o O o

A day without sunshine is like, night.
o O o

Born free, taxed to death.
o O o

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
o O o

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
o O o

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
o O o

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
o O o

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
o O o

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
o O o

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
o O o

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
o O o

Judge to prostitute: So when did you realize you were raped?
Prostitute, wiping away tears: When the check bounced.
o O o

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
o O o

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
o O o

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
o O o

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
o O o

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
o O o

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
o O o

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
o O o

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
o O o

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
o O o

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
o O o

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
o O o

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
o O o

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
o O o

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
o O o

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
o O o

I can handle pain until it hurts.
o O o

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
o O o

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
o O o

You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
o O o

You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
o O o

You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
o O o

You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
o O o

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
o O o

A day without smiling is a day wasted.
o O o

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
o O o

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Few ADULT and Tampoon Jokes

Vampires and Tempoon :
One day a vampire goes to a bar and asks for a pint of blood but doesn’t get any and walks out…
A couple of minutes later he returns and asks for a cup of hot water… The bartender, confused, asks him why he needs hot water…?
Vampire: I found a used tampoon and wanted to make tea…

When you are on HIGH SEX ...
A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…
Husband: Okay…Lets have sex now…
Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…
After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot…he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…
“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly…I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…
“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…”



Question and Answer :
Girl: What is the opposite of laughing?
Boy: F-cking.
Girl: What?
Boy: Yes!…..because when you are laughing you say “Ha ha ha ha” and when ur f-cking you say “Ah ah ah ah”.
 
Family Story :  
A couple was having sex besides their three years old sleeping son. After a while they climaxed with huge orgasms. They were moaning and gasping. Suddenly the son, who was sitting and looking at them anxiously by then, asked, father mother are you exhausted?

ADULT RE JOKES ..............

Funny Sex Jokes

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”
:D :mrgreen: :D
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

A man calls 911 emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is ok, I found another one.

A drunk guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, “I just had sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.
A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, “I just had great sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.
A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mom!” The guy now says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.
“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”
Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.
“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with they first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”
She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”
He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”
He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

funny Jokes with MATH ........!

Funny Math Jokes

“Students nowadays are so clueless”, the math professor complains to a colleague.
“Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero…”

A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.
Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake.
When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: “1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park when they hear a voice: “Please, help me!”
They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.
“Please, help me!” the frog repeats. “I’m not really a frog: I’m an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken – and I will be yours forever…”
The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides – making not even an attempt to kiss it.
“You don’t have to marry me”, the frog continues frantically, “if you’re afraid of the commitment. I’ll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me…”
The frog’s voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.
“But why don’t you kiss her?!” the math student asks.
“You know”, the CS student replies, “I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend – but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet…”

A visitor at the Royal Tyrell Museum asks a museum employee: “Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?”
“It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old.”
“How can you know that with such precision?!”
“Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old – and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago…”

“Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it.”
“That’s easy: one, one, and twelve.”
“But twelve isn’t odd!”
“It’s an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee…”

A mathematician gives a talk intended for a general audience. The talk is announced in the local newspaper, but he expects few people to show up because nobody who is not a mathematician will be able to make any sense of the title: Convex sets and inequalities.
To his surprise, the auditorium is crammed when his talk begins. After he has finished, someone in the audience raises his hand.
“But you said nothing about the actual topic of your talk!”
“What topic to you mean?”
“Well, the one that was announced in the paper: Convicts, sex, and inequality.”

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: “There is one final piece of advice I’m going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course – never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!”
“Why?” the students ask.
“Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it.”
“And what happened?!”
“Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes…”

Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don’t pay at10tion, they’ll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they’ll be 3…

Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.
The boy says: “It’s a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!”
The girl replies: “No – it’s a cosin, silly!!!”

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work – the philosopher can do without the trash bin…

A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife’s obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: “Do you love math more than me?”
“Of course not, dear – I love you much more!”
Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: “Well, then prove it!”
Pondering a bit, she responds: “Ok… Let epsilon be greater than zero…”

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: “Will we ever need this stuff in real life?”
The professor gently smiles and says: “Of course not – if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald’s!”

A math professor, a native Texan, was asked by one of his students: “What is mathematics good for?”
He replied: “This question makes me sick! If you show someone the Grand Canyon for the first time, and he asks you `What’s it good for?’ What would you do? Well, you kick that guy off the cliff!”

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
“Where did you get the bike from?” his friends want to know.
“It’s a `thank you’ present”, he explains, “from that freshman girl I’ve been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird…”
“Tell us!”
“Well”, he starts, “yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!’”
One of his friends remarks: “You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle.”
“Yeah”, another friend adds, “just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl’s clothes – and they wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: “Do you know, daddy, what I’ve found out?”
“No.”
“The new baby will be Chinese!”
“What?!”
“Yes. I’ve read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese…”

“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?”
“She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.”
“I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”
“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns…”

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flag pole. They only have a measuring tape and are quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole: It falls down all the time.
A mathematician comes along and asks what they are doing. They explain it to him.
“Well, that’s easy…”
He pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily.
After he has left, one of the engineers says: “That’s so typical of these mathematicians! What we need is the height – and he gives us the length!”

Two men are having a good time in a bar. Outside, there’s a terrible thunderstorm. Finally, one of the men thinks that it’s time to leave. Since he has drunk a lot, he decides to walk home.
“But aren’t you afraid of being struck by lightning?” his friend asks.
“Not at all. Statistics shows that, in this part of the country, one person per year gets struck by lightning – and that one person died in the hospital three weeks ago.”