Few Old Tale Adult Jokes

1.Little Girl :

Little 6-year old John Smith’s parents felt really horny at 11 AM on Sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get John away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbours for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told.
His parents amused themselves, and then came the formality of the report at 12 PM.
John said “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing carrom together and the Donalds were having sex.”
His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

2. Sexy Women : 

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them. She says, “You sure he isn’t here?”
The bartender mumbles through her fingers, “Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?”
The woman then says, “Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!”

3.Hot Blond : 

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”
The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, pulls on her shirt and walks out.
The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?” The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”

 

4.Question & Answer :

Q: Why do witches not wear undies?
A: So they get a better grip on the broom.

5. Question & Answer :

Q: What do you do if your pajamas burst into flames?
A: Slow down.

6. Dann Ratu — March 25, 2013 at 5:24 pm

Eww…to much…..but abit funny…..

 

7. Question & Answer :

The difference between shit and oh shit:
A boy mistakenly sends a love letter to the brother’s girlfriend.
Shit!
Girlfriend’s brother happens to be lesbian.
OH SHIT!!

8. Sshafy2013 — April 8, 2013 at 2:54 am

Funny

9. Little Jhonney : 

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “pen*s” and “vag*na” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”
At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.”
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your pen*ses and vag*nas — we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

10. Question & Answer :

What happens when a dwarf runs between a girls legs?
He gets a clit around the head and a flap on the face.

11. Old tales : 

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.
The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”
The ex-mute replied: “I went to an African tribe and they cured me.”
The mute: “Please show me where they live.” The ex-mute showed him the location of the tribe and the path to it.
The mute started his journey with all the hope in the world days and days passed until he found the tribe. It was a tribe of Africans and everything was huge about them (if you know what I mean).
He sign told them the issue and they agreed to help. They tethered him with a robe, striped him off his clothes and one men entered his ****.
The mute yelled with all his voice, “AAAAAAAAAA”. The african replied: “Tomorrow will teach you the letter B.”

12. Old tales :

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?” The father reply, “The door to heaven!”
“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!” Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”

13. A Man with Friends : 

A man and his friend went to a bar and started talking. The man says to his friend “I think my wife is cheating on me.”
The friend says, “How do you know?”
The man replies, “She didn’t come home last night and she said she was with her sister Shirley.”
The friend said, “and…..”
The man says, “She is lying because I was with her sister last night.”
LOL!!!!!

14. IQ test : 

Want to hear a word that’s dirty and clean at the same time?
Juice Box

15. Saito — May 20, 2013 at 10:03 pm

It’s funny enough to cure stress.

16. Pizza & Pussy 

What’s good on pizza but nasty on p*ssy?
Crust.

17. Question & Answer : 

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
We need to get fixed before people start thinking we are balls.

 

***. funny.

21. Teachers Tale : 

Teacher: “Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand.”
Johnny: “My penis in your hand.”
Teacher: “What?”
Johnny: “Sorry ma’am, I forgot to put a space between pen is.”

****

26.Humors :

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

**!

29. Police and Petrol : 

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?” “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop. “Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes.” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher. “Uh… yes.” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.” “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”

30. Man and Boy : 

A man named Bob hired a teenage boy named Bo to mow his lawn. One day, Bo had to pee so he went inside Bob’s house. Bob walked in on Bo and noticed how big Bo’s p*n*s was. Bob asked how Bo got his p*n*s that big. Bo said “Every night I’m about to sleep with a woman, I whack my d*ck on the bedpost 3 times.” That night Bob decided to try this on his wife that night. Bob hit his d*ck on the bed post 3 times and his wife said “Bo, is that you?”

31. Funny_Chick

What do vegetables watch?
Corn!!
(Get it? C=P)

32. Police Story : 

Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them.”
“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit – and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth!

******

39. Girl with Mom 

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having s*x on the bench. The little girl asked her mom, “Mommy, what are they doing?”
The mom was blushing and replied, “Oh their making cakes.”
The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having s*x. The little girl asked again, “Mommy, what are they doing?”
Again the mother replied, “Oh their making cakes.”
The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, “Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night.”
The mom was frightened and asked, “How did you know?”
The little girl replied, “I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!”

40. Girl with Boyfriend: 

One day a girl was staying at her boyfriends parents house. The boyfriend and her had to share the top bunk in his little brothers room. Her boyfriend was really horny so he whispered “Say Marco to go faster and Polo to stop.”
So the boy began to thrust in and out of her. “Marco!” The girl hissed. A dew seconds later she cried “Marco!” After a few minutes of thrusting the girl screamed “MARCO!”
“Can you two stop playing games and go to sleep?” His boyfriends little brother snapped.

41. Saying : 

Yo moma is so fat that she is the reason that Titanic sank.

42. Old Poem : 

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some weed. Jack got high and pulled down his flied and Jill got wet and pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son!

  * * * * * **

50. Banned Ads : 

A boy was selected for a wisper ad, he said why should GIRLS HAVE ALL THE FUN…

51. Women in House : 

As the woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?” The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

52. Auto Sex : 

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step #18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step #11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step #31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992. in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands! and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step #23.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail.
50. Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50.00. DUI 2,500.00. Impound fee 75.00. Bail 1,500.00. Beer 25.00. Total– $4,150.00
But you know the job was done right!!!

*
 

54. Bank Robbery : 

There was a robbery at a bank and there was a pregnant lady who got shot in the stomach 3 times.
After the robbery she went to the doctor and asked Doctor will my triplets be okay?! The doctor says yes but in 15 years the bullets will come out.
FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
A 15 year old runs up to his mum and says, ”Mum I was pooping and a bullet clinked the side of the toilet.” The mother is confused at first then remembers and tells him the story.
Later that day another child goes up to mum and says, ”Mum! I was peeing and a bullet came out!” So the mother tells the story.
The 3rd child comes up very slowly with his head bent down and the mum says, ”Lemme guess you were pooping and a bullet came out?”
He replies, ”No I was masterbaiting and I shot the dog…”